Udderly Unfair

I've noted a shift in farmers. Instead of making hamburgers, more and more are making cheese.

This is a good thing.

But it leads to a general unfairness for those born without udders. Which leads to a general point - there is unfairness in the world and it used to be we would deal with it.

Now I'm not talking about things that should be fair that aren't. Two people doing the same job at the same skill level at the same company living in the same region should be paid the same. With the laws currently in place, this can be fixed.

However, if someone is born rich and someone born poor, sure it''s not fair BUT the time we spend upset about it is useless. We have no right to try and "fix" it. DEAL with it.

Some people are born prettier, taller, funnier, or with bruises that look like continents on their heads. They may use these attributes toward success whereas you cannot. Don't be mad. Don't try and change them. DEAL with it. Change you.

Biblically, our business with others is never comparison. It is service. It is our own speech and actions we should change for good.

Don't let this season of politics get you angry with what others have. If your poor, hug a rich person. If your rich, hug a poor person (and slip him a $20) If you have udders, hug a steer.

And eat more cheese. It's good for you.

HCD - Heaven's Complaint Department

We received a complaint today. One of our greeting cards is apparently not amusing. It's one of the top reordered cards, mind you, but according to this person it's not funny and should be removed from our catalog.

Isn't it interesting how we are always right and everyone else is always wrong?

But the good news is that this complaint has given me the boldness to put together a list of complaints for God based on my humble opinion. I am sending this directly to God's complaint desk which I assume is manned by the one attorney that made it into Heaven.

List of Complaints for God:
#1: Mosquitoes - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof.
#2: The National Media - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof. Could we just get one unbiased story?
#3: Broccoli - Could we not transfer the health benefits from such a horrid, rancid smelling vegetable to Cheetos? Maybe compromise and add the benefits to apples?
#4: Political speeches - Why not have an accountant or two up in Heaven (I'm assuming they're there making sure everyone tithed) fact check everything said and promised and zap them with electricity during any lies. Perhaps all that would be left is "I'm so-and-so and I approved this message".
#5: Fat Free Cheese - While I understand man made up this one, I believe it's an abomination. It melts funny, tastes funny, looks funny, has little form or substance, and worst of all - ruins a good meal...or wait am I talking about the national media again.

Green Cows

I had an interesting conversation with Al Gore today. I hesitate to talk about it as it seems a bit crude, so please understand I am only the messenger.

He thanked me for my methane gas.

He is looking for some media attention again and was talking to me about alternative energy. He has some plan where every house would either get a windmill or a cow. You'd hook up my hindquarters to your house and somehow I'd power your home with methane.

Does that look like progress to you? A cow in your yard with a tube hooked into his backside?

Please note that just like Pat Robertson does not speak for all Christians, Hillary Clinton does not speak for all women, Madonna does not speak for all people with no last name, and Jesse Jackson does not really speak for anybody anymore - I do not pretend to speak for all cows. Having said that - we really have no desire to be appreciated for our gas.

Now I understand human high school and college students may go through a phase where they are proud of their gas, but I think most grow out of it (except, I have come to understand, some husbands).

I want to be known for starting a business, for ministry, for my accomplishments, not the chemical reaction from yesterdays lunch. Which begs the question, what would we be fed? Beans? Burritos? Jalapeno peppers straight out of a jar? No thank you Mr. Gore. This cow has better things to do.

What does that have to do with the St. Louis Arch pictured above? Well, nothing, but...

I did recently parachute from the top of the arch into a pile of mashed potatoes for our new greeting card at www.fattenedcalf.com. It's for any occasion from military service to getting over mad cow disease - you decide. IN ADDITION, type the coupon code, "Energy independence requires more than wind or breaking wind!" and I will give you free shipping! Actually, I won't make you type that - I'll just give you free shipping for a limited time.

Thanks for listening. At least you appreciate me for my mind.

Comparable cows...

I've driven by the other cows out in the fields. They just meander. Pointless.

I hate it but I judge them. I think - they don't have their own business - they're dirty. While I'm sure their not aware of the future in the meat packing industry, they certainly don't seem to be striving for anything more.

But who am I to think I'm better than they are.

Or worse, my poor brother cows packed in so tight to barns just so they can grow fat. They never even get to walk around. Death for them must be a sweet release.

So here I sit all proud of myself for being better than most cows.

God told me today that I need new glasses. Even with the humorous visual of my attractive snout with a pair of bifocals resting on it, I am feeling a deep conviction.

They are God's calves just like me. We are equal in God's eyes. It doesn't matter that they have a brand on their hindquarters or that they are in a different "class" than me or even that their spots are brown. I need to change.

Every cow I see if God's calf so my job is to love them - that's what it's about.

Forgive my frustration with myself...I have driven by way to many of my fellow cows only thinking of myself.

Hang on. There's a break in the barb wire fence. I'm pulling over. It's time I told a brother cow that God loves him, and I do too.

Back to Civilization

I know. It's been over a month. I had a death in the family and rejoined the family herd in a little town in Minn.

People don't care much about the internet in little towns in Minn. and thus, I was completely out of touch.

In fact I had to watch the news to see what the weather was going to be. They still have the news on TV, by the way, if you are used to getting everything off the internet. TV news takes too long, has commercials, and really just needs to be shut down.

This picture is an ice house sitting about a mile out on a lake above two feet of ice and fifty feet of water. Walking on the lake with my hooves was not a big deal, althoguh slippery. Cars and trucks drove on the lake! Not natural.

I found something out in this little town in Minn. - they get it.

They really don't care who has more stuff or who has a better job. They just take care of each other. Good folks. We spend so much time being busy, we don't have time to care about each other. These folks are looking to help each other out. We have heart attacks due to stress. If they have heart attacks, it's beacuse of eating too much bacon (pork, of course - I prefer to stay naive of what they do to my fellow cows)

In a strange twist, I right now hear a preacher on the radio blathering on and trying to explain "imputed righteousness". These wonderful Minn. folks response would be "you puked on what??"

The way they put it, "God made me, so now I work for him no matter what I'm doin'."

It really is that simple. Life doesn't need to be complex and neither does your relationship with God.

A toast to simplicity...and the people of a little town in Minn.

Ocean Waves

Whether it be school or work, there comes a time to be at ease.

I wish I had a better excuse for not blogging recently, but I don't. I've been swamped filling orders, getting ready for 2008, trying to stay in shape.

I need a rest.

I don't know what does it for you but water is big for me. I can stare at ocean waves coming in for hours. I can relax on a boat (one would think with four stomachs a boat's rocking would mean seasickness, but frankly, it's quite soothing) or even watch the snow fall (it's made out of water...and small particles of pollution).

I love the relaxation of nothing happening except God's creation. It's quite beautiful if you'll put down the mouse, remote control, or Wii control.

Before we industrialized the world, I wonder if people were more relaxed simply living among nature. Trees, lakes, mountains. There's inspiration to enjoy life.

My present to you this Christmas is a moment to relax. Pretend to keep reading this email but really close your eyes. Think of gentle ocean waves rolling in, let out a big sigh. Relax.

Now, you're getting very sleepy. When I count to 3 you will awaken and immediately order 5 Greeting Cards from Fattened Calf. 1...2.....

Hold on. If you order cards, I don't get to relax. Never mind let's both just relax. Sigh. Ahhhh.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

The good news is...if you enjoy mocking these current days of political correctness and love to make a point about the real meaning of Christmas - have we got a Christmas Card for you!

Visit http://www.fattenedcalf.com/gear.html.

As our Christmas card is a little late this year, it is unfortunately only available online.

As a warning, however, it is not for those of you who love their frooffy Christmas cards with pretty bows and wreaths or giant rotund gentlemen dressed in red and white. Sorry...

Now the other thing I wanted to point out was something Eugene and I discussed today. I have him working on something else so I can blog about it first (it's the kind of boss I am.)

Like millions of others across America, we are currently required to formulate lists of presents for the upcoming Christmas. So what that means is I am celebrating the birth of Jesus by deciding what "I" want. Does anyone else find that odd? Or sad?

I'll just let you think about that...if you care to.