HCD - Heaven's Complaint Department

We received a complaint today. One of our greeting cards is apparently not amusing. It's one of the top reordered cards, mind you, but according to this person it's not funny and should be removed from our catalog.

Isn't it interesting how we are always right and everyone else is always wrong?

But the good news is that this complaint has given me the boldness to put together a list of complaints for God based on my humble opinion. I am sending this directly to God's complaint desk which I assume is manned by the one attorney that made it into Heaven.

List of Complaints for God:
#1: Mosquitoes - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof.
#2: The National Media - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof. Could we just get one unbiased story?
#3: Broccoli - Could we not transfer the health benefits from such a horrid, rancid smelling vegetable to Cheetos? Maybe compromise and add the benefits to apples?
#4: Political speeches - Why not have an accountant or two up in Heaven (I'm assuming they're there making sure everyone tithed) fact check everything said and promised and zap them with electricity during any lies. Perhaps all that would be left is "I'm so-and-so and I approved this message".
#5: Fat Free Cheese - While I understand man made up this one, I believe it's an abomination. It melts funny, tastes funny, looks funny, has little form or substance, and worst of all - ruins a good meal...or wait am I talking about the national media again.

Green Cows

I had an interesting conversation with Al Gore today. I hesitate to talk about it as it seems a bit crude, so please understand I am only the messenger.

He thanked me for my methane gas.

He is looking for some media attention again and was talking to me about alternative energy. He has some plan where every house would either get a windmill or a cow. You'd hook up my hindquarters to your house and somehow I'd power your home with methane.

Does that look like progress to you? A cow in your yard with a tube hooked into his backside?

Please note that just like Pat Robertson does not speak for all Christians, Hillary Clinton does not speak for all women, Madonna does not speak for all people with no last name, and Jesse Jackson does not really speak for anybody anymore - I do not pretend to speak for all cows. Having said that - we really have no desire to be appreciated for our gas.

Now I understand human high school and college students may go through a phase where they are proud of their gas, but I think most grow out of it (except, I have come to understand, some husbands).

I want to be known for starting a business, for ministry, for my accomplishments, not the chemical reaction from yesterdays lunch. Which begs the question, what would we be fed? Beans? Burritos? Jalapeno peppers straight out of a jar? No thank you Mr. Gore. This cow has better things to do.

What does that have to do with the St. Louis Arch pictured above? Well, nothing, but...

I did recently parachute from the top of the arch into a pile of mashed potatoes for our new greeting card at www.fattenedcalf.com. It's for any occasion from military service to getting over mad cow disease - you decide. IN ADDITION, type the coupon code, "Energy independence requires more than wind or breaking wind!" and I will give you free shipping! Actually, I won't make you type that - I'll just give you free shipping for a limited time.

Thanks for listening. At least you appreciate me for my mind.