Think Outside the Barn

Udderly Unfair

2008-10-28T20:25:00.003-05:00

I've noted a shift in farmers. Instead of making hamburgers, more and more are making cheese.

This is a good thing.

But it leads to a general unfairness for those born without udders. Which leads to a general point - there is unfairness in the world and it used to be we would deal with it.

Now I'm not talking about things that should be fair that aren't. Two people doing the same job at the same skill level at the same company living in the same region should be paid the same. With the laws currently in place, this can be fixed.

However, if someone is born rich and someone born poor, sure it''s not fair BUT the time we spend upset about it is useless. We have no right to try and "fix" it. DEAL with it.

Some people are born prettier, taller, funnier, or with bruises that look like continents on their heads. They may use these attributes toward success whereas you cannot. Don't be mad. Don't try and change them. DEAL with it. Change you.

Biblically, our business with others is never comparison. It is service. It is our own speech and actions we should change for good.

Don't let this season of politics get you angry with what others have. If your poor, hug a rich person. If your rich, hug a poor person (and slip him a $20) If you have udders, hug a steer.

And eat more cheese. It's good for you.

HCD - Heaven's Complaint Department

2008-07-23T22:35:00.003-05:00

We received a complaint today. One of our greeting cards is apparently not amusing. It's one of the top reordered cards, mind you, but according to this person it's not funny and should be removed from our catalog.

Isn't it interesting how we are always right and everyone else is always wrong?

But the good news is that this complaint has given me the boldness to put together a list of complaints for God based on my humble opinion. I am sending this directly to God's complaint desk which I assume is manned by the one attorney that made it into Heaven.

List of Complaints for God:
#1: Mosquitoes - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof.
#2: The National Media - they serve no good purpose, suck blood, spread disease and try swatting one with a hoof. Could we just get one unbiased story?
#3: Broccoli - Could we not transfer the health benefits from such a horrid, rancid smelling vegetable to Cheetos? Maybe compromise and add the benefits to apples?
#4: Political speeches - Why not have an accountant or two up in Heaven (I'm assuming they're there making sure everyone tithed) fact check everything said and promised and zap them with electricity during any lies. Perhaps all that would be left is "I'm so-and-so and I approved this message".
#5: Fat Free Cheese - While I understand man made up this one, I believe it's an abomination. It melts funny, tastes funny, looks funny, has little form or substance, and worst of all - ruins a good meal...or wait am I talking about the national media again.

Green Cows

2008-07-18T22:56:00.003-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with Al Gore today. I hesitate to talk about it as it seems a bit crude, so please understand I am only the messenger.

He thanked me for my methane gas.

He is looking for some media attention again and was talking to me about alternative energy. He has some plan where every house would either get a windmill or a cow. You'd hook up my hindquarters to your house and somehow I'd power your home with methane.

Does that look like progress to you? A cow in your yard with a tube hooked into his backside?

Please note that just like Pat Robertson does not speak for all Christians, Hillary Clinton does not speak for all women, Madonna does not speak for all people with no last name, and Jesse Jackson does not really speak for anybody anymore - I do not pretend to speak for all cows. Having said that - we really have no desire to be appreciated for our gas.

Now I understand human high school and college students may go through a phase where they are proud of their gas, but I think most grow out of it (except, I have come to understand, some husbands).

I want to be known for starting a business, for ministry, for my accomplishments, not the chemical reaction from yesterdays lunch. Which begs the question, what would we be fed? Beans? Burritos? Jalapeno peppers straight out of a jar? No thank you Mr. Gore. This cow has better things to do.

What does that have to do with the St. Louis Arch pictured above? Well, nothing, but...

I did recently parachute from the top of the arch into a pile of mashed potatoes for our new greeting card at www.fattenedcalf.com. It's for any occasion from military service to getting over mad cow disease - you decide. IN ADDITION, type the coupon code, "Energy independence requires more than wind or breaking wind!" and I will give you free shipping! Actually, I won't make you type that - I'll just give you free shipping for a limited time.

Thanks for listening. At least you appreciate me for my mind.

Comparable cows...

2008-03-30T20:44:00.002-05:00

I've driven by the other cows out in the fields. They just meander. Pointless.

I hate it but I judge them. I think - they don't have their own business - they're dirty. While I'm sure their not aware of the future in the meat packing industry, they certainly don't seem to be striving for anything more.

But who am I to think I'm better than they are.

Or worse, my poor brother cows packed in so tight to barns just so they can grow fat. They never even get to walk around. Death for them must be a sweet release.

So here I sit all proud of myself for being better than most cows.

God told me today that I need new glasses. Even with the humorous visual of my attractive snout with a pair of bifocals resting on it, I am feeling a deep conviction.

They are God's calves just like me. We are equal in God's eyes. It doesn't matter that they have a brand on their hindquarters or that they are in a different "class" than me or even that their spots are brown. I need to change.

Every cow I see if God's calf so my job is to love them - that's what it's about.

Forgive my frustration with myself...I have driven by way to many of my fellow cows only thinking of myself.

Hang on. There's a break in the barb wire fence. I'm pulling over. It's time I told a brother cow that God loves him, and I do too.

Back to Civilization

2008-02-13T20:51:00.003-06:00

I know. It's been over a month. I had a death in the family and rejoined the family herd in a little town in Minn.

People don't care much about the internet in little towns in Minn. and thus, I was completely out of touch.

In fact I had to watch the news to see what the weather was going to be. They still have the news on TV, by the way, if you are used to getting everything off the internet. TV news takes too long, has commercials, and really just needs to be shut down.

This picture is an ice house sitting about a mile out on a lake above two feet of ice and fifty feet of water. Walking on the lake with my hooves was not a big deal, althoguh slippery. Cars and trucks drove on the lake! Not natural.

I found something out in this little town in Minn. - they get it.

They really don't care who has more stuff or who has a better job. They just take care of each other. Good folks. We spend so much time being busy, we don't have time to care about each other. These folks are looking to help each other out. We have heart attacks due to stress. If they have heart attacks, it's beacuse of eating too much bacon (pork, of course - I prefer to stay naive of what they do to my fellow cows)

In a strange twist, I right now hear a preacher on the radio blathering on and trying to explain "imputed righteousness". These wonderful Minn. folks response would be "you puked on what??"

The way they put it, "God made me, so now I work for him no matter what I'm doin'."

It really is that simple. Life doesn't need to be complex and neither does your relationship with God.

A toast to simplicity...and the people of a little town in Minn.

Ocean Waves

2007-12-16T21:48:00.000-06:00

Whether it be school or work, there comes a time to be at ease.

I wish I had a better excuse for not blogging recently, but I don't. I've been swamped filling orders, getting ready for 2008, trying to stay in shape.

I need a rest.

I don't know what does it for you but water is big for me. I can stare at ocean waves coming in for hours. I can relax on a boat (one would think with four stomachs a boat's rocking would mean seasickness, but frankly, it's quite soothing) or even watch the snow fall (it's made out of water...and small particles of pollution).

I love the relaxation of nothing happening except God's creation. It's quite beautiful if you'll put down the mouse, remote control, or Wii control.

Before we industrialized the world, I wonder if people were more relaxed simply living among nature. Trees, lakes, mountains. There's inspiration to enjoy life.

My present to you this Christmas is a moment to relax. Pretend to keep reading this email but really close your eyes. Think of gentle ocean waves rolling in, let out a big sigh. Relax.

Now, you're getting very sleepy. When I count to 3 you will awaken and immediately order 5 Greeting Cards from Fattened Calf. 1...2.....

Hold on. If you order cards, I don't get to relax. Never mind let's both just relax. Sigh. Ahhhh.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

2007-11-19T21:51:00.000-06:00

The good news is...if you enjoy mocking these current days of political correctness and love to make a point about the real meaning of Christmas - have we got a Christmas Card for you!

Visit http://www.fattenedcalf.com/gear.html.

As our Christmas card is a little late this year, it is unfortunately only available online.

As a warning, however, it is not for those of you who love their frooffy Christmas cards with pretty bows and wreaths or giant rotund gentlemen dressed in red and white. Sorry...

Now the other thing I wanted to point out was something Eugene and I discussed today. I have him working on something else so I can blog about it first (it's the kind of boss I am.)

Like millions of others across America, we are currently required to formulate lists of presents for the upcoming Christmas. So what that means is I am celebrating the birth of Jesus by deciding what "I" want. Does anyone else find that odd? Or sad?

I'll just let you think about that...if you care to.

Welcome Courier, Blackwater, & former Navy Seals

2007-10-17T00:46:00.000-05:00

As President of Fattened Calf, Inc., I'd like to welcome the Courier readers today. The Lincoln, IL newspaper was kind enough to do a story on our company that I believe will be in print later today.

In the paper, you may notice pictures of humans representing themselves as myself and the other principles of the company. So you know - they are doubles. With me being a cow, it's difficult to stand on my hind legs for extended interviews and pictures so I hire others to handle the press.

In fact, with the cards selling well, I may hire Blackwater as security guards. Nothing like having a retired Navy Seal around. Speaking of which, the President of Blackwater did quite well when he sat before Congress. I truly have a hard time criticizing what is mostly former top military folks who fought for our freedom, especially when my greatest danger currently is getting cud down the wrong pipe (it's a cow thing, sorry).

Anyway, thank you for joining us at Fattened Calf! We're glad you took the time to check us out. Here's a map to help you find stores with our cards. Go Lincoln!

[Picture was taken at the Lincoln Art and Balloon Festival]

The Pursuit of Happiness

2007-10-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

In the last two days, I've had two offers to "get paid what I deserve". All I have to do is learn the secret tips to Real Estate or Online Sales. It's great marketing taking advantage of our victim mentality in America. In fact do I dare? Get the Greeting Card you deserve, not the substandard greeting cards you're used to. You deserve the best - Fattened Calf Cards! 5 days left of 99 cent shipping!

Right. You deserve it.

What I am about to say will offend most people because so many of us are content to be victims and complain instead of making hard choices...so here goes.

No matter how much we get paid, no matter what our circumstance - we are all getting paid exactly what we deserve.

If you feel you're being taken advantage of, you are letting yourself be taken advantage of. You deserve it. Otherwise go find what you deserve.

In America, we have the right to life, liberty, and the "pursuit" of happiness. That pursuit thing is an important part. If you're not pursuing anything, then you are getting paid exactly what you deserve. You're not forced to work anywhere.

All that to say, it's up to you to make your dreams come true. Don't sit back and let life pass you by. Figure out your dream, plan out what needs to happen to make the dream a reality, then make it so.

It may take time, it may take effort, but it's so much more enjoyable in the midst of your dream than worrying about what you "deserve". To be honest, if you drop the word "deserve" from your vocabulary, you will find joy is much easier to come by. And if your dream is God-given, nothing will stop you.

And that's coming from a cow who doesn't even have opposable thumbs...

JL

"New" Easter Knights

2007-10-10T01:30:00.001-05:00

We updated the website! It's now easier on fattenedcalf.com to buy cards as well as allow you to purchase only one card if you like. No more bundles are required. What a day.

If you've been reading Ginger's blog, you also know we are in New Jersey now. For some reason, that's just cool. I love states that start with "New". Was there an "Old Jersey"? An "Old York"? An "Old Hampshire"?

Did everyone move from the old to the new or is there a bitterness between the two? When we went to "new and improved" greeting cards we added a 1/16" overhang so they were easier to open. What did "Old York" do to gain the new title? I know crime has dropped dramatically since they used to be the murder capital of the world. Perhaps that's it.

Who decided they get the "New" title though. The Queen of England? She gets to decide who is knighted (and how cool is that!) The Pope? I think he gets to pick out what day Easter is on each year.

Or do you get to just call yourself what you want - like our congress recently decided to give themselves a pay raise even though the government was essentially shut down for a bit.

I'm not sure which is cooler - making the call on Easter, deciding who is knighted, or being able to raise you paycheck at the expense of taxpayers. I'll let you decide...

Sir Jean-Luc

Failing Forward

2007-10-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

New greeting cards + new account + eBay = loss of 60 cents.

Well, what can you do? That's right 60 cents down the tube on eBay. Looks like at this point we'll just stick with our online sales and the brick and mortar. My only wish is that there were more things to try where the downside was only 60 cents.

We even got phished by firm in China looking for passwords. Best phish I've seen. They email you about your product asking if you will ship to NJ with a giant button to reply to the phish. Turns out the button sneaks you over to their site to collect your password and username.

They used an actual eBayer's account that was old and probably not being used anymore.

As a cow with some computer experience and some connections to Interpol, I set a trap for them.

Speaking of which, if ever there was a time to get together as Americans (I'm not French, although I like France's new President) and BUY AMERICAN wouldn't now be a good time - especially after China (I'm sure by accident) poisoned and choked our children.

Or is our desire for higher wages in the US and and refusal to buy anything but the lowest price an unsolvable problem? Hey, I'll chip in 60 cents to help...

Scientific Studys or just a means to get your name in the paper?

2007-09-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

No cow jokes here, but I'm trying to lose weight. I've switched to diet soda since water is boring and milk - well, that's just weird.

So a recent study shows that people that drink diet soda are more likely to gain weight than those that drank regular soda. Odd you say? Well it didn't take into account that when people become overweight, many times they switch to diet. I shall need direct cause effect to affect my drinking habits, thank you very much. And don't give me that soda can eat through a nail thing either. By my third stomach even the bubbles have dissapated. No issues.

Didn't it used to be that before you published a study you had some proof of something? Not just that you studied a bunch of people and here are the stats and a few thoughts about the stats. Or maybe newspapers back then only reported real news.

Back to business. We have stores selling our cards in the Peoria area now - very exciting. Next time you get sick and go to a central Peoria hospital, there's a 50% chance that you can buy a Fattened Calf (trademark symbol) card there!

IN ADDITION should you decide to become a monk - you also have a high probability of being able to see our cards!

Also went through the trademarking process recently. You can do it all online now. Just under $300, but now no one else gets to use the words "Fattened Calf" in relation to greeting cards. Can I tell you that there is nothing more fun than chatting with an attorney? They all seem to have fabulous stories!

Well back to work!

JL
-Oh! By the way we are looking at adding an eBay store for customers too far away from a retailer. Should be fun. Let me know if you have any advice. This will be new territory.

2007-08-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

A Christmas card is coming. The big question is whether we want to compete in the boxed card market or be that special card you send to a few people. You can email me with your thoughts at jean-luc@fattenedcalf.com. The plan is to be funny and quite poignant. Perhaps a helpful shove to remind us what Christmas is all about AND that we should stay reminded all year long. There is no verse saying "remember thou the day I was born and celebrate it with gifts, food and a portly fellow dressed in red." My guess is that our celebration of "Christmas" has become more of a celebration of a day than of a Savior, no matter how much religious stuff you go to or are involved with. And when the day's over why do we stop celebrating? But what do I know - I'm just a cow with an ulcer in my second stomach. I think you're supposed to drink milk to help ulcers, but that just seems weird to me being a cow and all. Anyway - boxed cards...

Boxed cards require packaging materials as well as a lower price. With enough distribution, you would make up the difference in volume. However, we are not yet widely distributed. What to do? First thing is continue widening distribution. We should add a few more retailers this week and then need to start widening our reach. God has been helping our progress and it has been fun to watch!

Interestingly, people seem to like Ginger visiting there shops more than me. Perhaps that "bull in a china shop" thing frightens them. I'm not a bull (though I come from the same genus). Obviously a ewe can navigate easier in a gift shop than I can, but I haven't knocked anything over yet!

Facing the Business Giants

2007-08-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

In business, it pays to listen. Some of you may think that means read every new business book that comes out, others may take on a mentor. Not to diminish these ideas, but what I'm talking about comes from Phil Vischer, creator of Veggie Tales that eventually had to sell the business due to financial issues.

I'm talking about listening to God.

Phil had said (forgive the paraphrasing, Phil), that they had become "too much" of a business to take on smaller fun projects and profits were becoming the focus of the work. He would do it differently the next time. Let God be the agenda setter.

In addition, (no longer talking about Phil's business) there are many ways to take shortcuts in business, and you can quickly and easily take on little white lies in your sales and marketing, but that's just not God's way. Don't think we haven't already been tempted.

The movie, "Facing the Giants" says it so well. Do your very, very best and leave the results up to God. If your [successful], praise Him. If you lose, praise Him.

I'm pretty sure it's really that easy. And if God decides to bless you, watch out - ain't nothing stopping Him.

I have to get back to reading one of those business leader books. "Who moved my Cheese" is on the agenda. I'm a big supporter of the dairy industry so long as they don't keep my friends cooped up in little stalls.

If you get a chance today, tell Ginger Happy Birthday. She isn't telling anyone about it.

JL

Just a Business Update

2007-07-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

You just never know. When you have your own business, you are in a sense putting yourself out there wondering if people will like you.

We've had two days of visiting retail shops and are at about a 50% success rate. You'll see some of the retailers pop up on our website (not all of them can be listed) and in talking with them, we've even decided to limit the number of outlets in a region.

While it certainly isn't always the case for a new company, we are excited about our progress. The best part is I don't even feel like we've started yet! Our marketing will kick off in the next month after we expand our retailers and then things will really get going.

With this success, we are talking about a new set of cards and hiring a few new actors. In addition, as many of you know, due to his actions on Collector ID #0010 - we will soon decide if Skip will keep his job. You have to be able to trust your employees.

Speaking of collector ids, do you have the whole collection? You can get 8 of our cards online now at our website. Click on Purchase and don't forget Firefox has issues with paypal as I mentioned in an earlier blog.

Anyway in all things, pray that we will have wisdom.
JL

Let the sales begin...

2007-07-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

The good news is WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

We've started adding retailers (our first is the LCCS Bookstore in Lincoln IL) and we now have cards available on the website. For simplicity, I chose to run online payments through Paypal, but there seems to be an issue paying with Firefox. It makes all my stomachs quesy to think a cow can put up a website, but a billion dollar company can't work in all browsers. Just one more detail.

Frankly, if you've ever started a business you know the myriad of details are overwhelming. I am still, without much success, trying to convince the IRS that cows do not pay taxes. Both IRS reps I spoke with said they'll take payment in steaks. I gave them a fake Moo and acted like I'd never heard that before.

Beyond that, we are slowly beginning to talk to retailers - get in touch if you know a Christian store that needs some humourous greeting cards (Jean-Luc@fattenedcalf.com).

Beginnings

2007-06-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

Right. Everyone thinks Greeting Cards are easy. Let me just register one large cow chip on that idea. Having just started a greeting card company, I can tell you it is no simple endeavor. Beyond the "Can a cow even own a corporation?" hurdles, we're on our second printer, and about a month behind our scheduled grand opening. I have finally put my hoof down and said we will be selling cards July 25th.

I will try to keep you informed of the ins and outs of this business and how I overcome such prejudices as people thinking I'm French because of my name and the glass ceiling all hooved animals face in the business world.

The good news is for right now...finally...it's time to get down to business!

JL